10.28

I know I consistently repeat myself when I say it’s really hard for me here. Matt is all I have and I depend on him entirely way too much. I can’t really leave the hostel without him and I have no car to get around. I wish I could rebuild my independence and my strength and not have to depend on a man. This is not his fault; this is merely the situation I have placed myself in.

I want to be so much more optimistic, summer hasn’t started here yet and, perhaps, it will be different with more tourists around. Perhaps, it will be safer. I don’t know and, so, it’s all a guessing game for me.

I was quite sullen this morning when Matt was leaving for Abahlali and I think that hurt him. I couldn’t stop myself and now I feel poorly for having been so relentless.

Sizani emailed me to tell me she contacted a few groups that might be interested in my photography but needed more information about how it could benefit them. It’s a very touchy situation and most people don’t want to be identified as AIDS victims and so it’s makes it very hard for me to do my project. She even said that they might want to contact their local government, though I’m not quite sure what for and I certainly don’t want to get involved with local politics. Everything here is very convoluted and I’m constantly having to explain why and what I want to do and reassuring everyone that it’s not exploitative.

I feel as if it’s so hard getting anyone here excited about the projects that I want to do and because of that I feel defeated.